FAIR AND SQUARE: This year‘s film festival in Vary will feature face masks and galons of disinfectant!

The organizers, led by the festival's guru Uljana Donátová, are silent. The details about the film festival of the year will not be published until tomorrow... However, I already have a vivid image of how such an event might look like in my mind...

Will it take place at all?

At the beginning of the pandemic, it seemed more than obvious that there would be no festivals this year, but given the rapid loosening of government measures, we might yet be surprised. I‘ve even read that some festival organizers are continuing their preparations, and that was at a time when we all were still stuck at home.

Luxusní byt na prodej s terasou a výhledem, Praha 1

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Now we can even go out in groups of ten, they‘ll open clothing stores for us, even though we can't try on anything there, we‘ll be able to go to the gym, but we can't shower or change...

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So I‘m trying to imagine how strict the measures in Vary could be. Apart from the fact that all the tickets will be sold online and only a few people will be let into the cinemas, where they‘ll have to sit at a respectable distance and in face masks. Oh no, I‘ve just realized that popcorn and snacks are out!! That‘s gonna kill me. So you‘ll pretty much feel like at home in your living room, only with a larger TV and a lower ability to take a deep breath. After each screening, everything will have to be disinfected... or they could introduce the rule that access to the cinema will only be granted to attendees dressed in their own anti-coronavirus suits, like those used by healthcare workers.

Party on marks for a few chosen ones

The Jameson tent will open, but it might serve only through a takeout window, in front of which there‘ll be marks in bright colors, indicating where people are allowed to stand. At the colonnade, police officers on horseback will be dispersing groups of more than ten people, yelling at them for not wearing face masks, or they could start spraying them with disinfectant right away, just like in India. So let's hope they won‘t be spraying Savo...

As for the luxury parties at the Pupp Hotel... you‘ll be able to attend only if your name is on the list. A very, very VIP list with just a few names. You won‘t be able to get in because you happen to know the bouncer anymore. It‘s going to be really difficult. The chosen ones, who will be lucky enough to meet Bartoška at the bar, will have to be properly disinfected, their temperature will be taken at the entrance on both arrival and departure, or maybe the army could go ahead and set up a tent right outside, testing everyone for antibodies.

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No international stars

One big question for me are foreign guests... Nobody will come here, why would they? It's dangerous, planes aren‘t flying, the borders are still kind of closed... Good thing we have such resounding names as Jiří Menzel. But he will be at Eben's talkshow Na plovárně or someplace else on a stage, behind a plexiglass. After all, he is in the high-risk group.

In any case, the constellation of Czech actors and stars, or at least the so-called D starlets, will be immense. Everyone is out of work, and whoever fails to score a headline or two will remain out of work. They will all be wearing designer face masks that will match their outfits, and I don't think it‘s too far-fetched to say that instead of the usual "Fashion Police", there could be a novel "Face Mask Police". The Poners would be distributing fancy face masks, while Andrea Verešová would look as great as always, obligingly striking a pose for every photographer.

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Journalists are bound to be a little upset. Just a handful of parties, and if at all, then in limited numbers, plus there will be no way for them to get to Pupp. Papparazzi photographers will have an easier job, because naturally, most events will take place outside, so they‘ll have everyone at point blank range. If it doesn't start raining... But will there actually be anything interesting to take pictures of? After all, due to the face masks, even the most notorious party people won‘t have the opportunity to go too wild on the alcohol and get in trouble this year!

Strict rules for the campers

The tents in the camp will have to be two meters apart and there will be no facilities for backpackers. Otherwise, they‘d meet in the showers and it would be downright impossible to disinfect the toilets each tume someone has used them... Hotel Thermal will want to place itself in the spotlight, because it has recently been renovated. All the events will take place in front of it, of course on designated marks.

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People might be happy that instead of being quarantined at home, they‘re at least allowed to go out, but many of them are still afraid of the contagion, myself included, so they won‘t rush to attend events for large crowds. The festival won‘t be an exception.

If the picture I‘ve painted here turned into reality, it would be an event unlike anything anyone‘s ever seen. But the Karlovy Vary festival certainly doesn‘t deserve that, and although I‘m not know for mincing my words, in this case it would be extremely inappropriate to wish the biggest film festival in the Czech Republic turned into a science-fiction parody. Having a drink with Jirka Bartoška is not what you‘d call spectacular, and as far as face masks, cinemas with the aroma of disinfectant and the absence of the biggest acting stars are concerned, it would be just a fading reflection of a great film giant. Well, let‘s wait and see what Uljana brings us tomorrow!

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